When the Hurting and the Healing Feel the Same

Trigger Warning: this post refers to assault.

Do you ever associate certain songs with different periods of your life? For some reason, my brain is wired that way. Take David Dunn’s song, “It Is Well (Portrait Remix)” — I used to listen to that on my now-abandoned work commute into the city, particularly as the skyline peaked over a hill on the interstate. It was a reminder that it was well with my soul and that God is faithful. I’ll sometimes listen to it as I work from home, and yet, it’s not quite the same.

There’s one line in particular that has stuck with me as I’ve started EMDR therapy these past few weeks:

When the hurting and the healing feel the same…

Before therapy, that line struck me as pretty odd and, quite frankly, depressing. But this experience with EMDR has shown me just how true it is. My eyes opened to the burdens, shame, and guilt I’ve carried for years that were never mine to begin with. (And according to RAINN, unfortunately, many of you know exactly what I’m talking about, from first-hand experience.) For the first time, I accepted that I was sexually assaulted by someone who, I would later find out, was preying on young women in a campus ministry I had a community in.

When shame made a home…

I felt worthless for months after it happened my freshman year of college, and the leadership of the campus ministry didn’t help much. To their credit, they did ban the guy from the ministry. But I will never forget how the pastor said “I’m so, so sorry that happened to you” and in the next moment, placed some of the blame on me. I will never forget how the counselor at the church called me “promiscuous.” I will never forget someone I was romantically interested in from the ministry calling me a “whore” for what happened. I’ll never forget how alienated, overwhelmed, and ashamed I felt.

I didn’t want to admit that it was assault because I didn’t realize that there was a difference between assault and rape until years later. But I was also used to being strong and protecting others; how could the protector so epically fail at protecting herself?

Despite the walls that I had built up for years, I felt a profound relief and release when my counselor walked me through it, step by step, explaining how I never “asked for” the violation. Someone believed me. Then it hit me that I had allies throughout the years who had told me it was assault: my best friend in college, a therapist in the mountain town where I used to live, and my boyfriend. They all saw, and they knew, but I had been conditioned from the beginning to take on the blame myself.

But I’m finally serving shame its eviction notice.

Because God is love Himself, I don’t believe He intentionally causes evil things to happen to us. However, I do believe He takes evil circumstances meant to tear us down, and miraculously uses them for our good and His glory. Besides growing my dependence on Him, He has also showed me insights that would have been hard to understand without this part of my life. Particularly that in the community of charismatic-leaning Christians, we can get so excited about instantaneous miracles that we fail to see the long-term healing of God as miraculous in itself.

Don’t get me wrong: I love when God instantly heals someone. We see it time after time in the Gospels, and God is still healing today. But we have a major problem when some pastors are saying people just don’t have enough faith to be healed.

I think back on the thorn in Paul’s flesh that he describes in Scripture:

The extraordinary level of the revelations I’ve received is no reason for anyone to exalt me. For this is why a thorn in my flesh was given to me, the Adversary’s messenger sent to harass me, keeping me from becoming arrogant. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to relieve me of this. But he answered me, “My grace is always more than enough for you, and my power finds its full expression through your weakness.” 

2 Corinthians 12:7-9 (The Passion Translation)

Many of us would prefer God to have answered, “My grace is always more than enough for you, and so I will heal you instantaneously.” But the Lord chose to work in another, more mysterious way. (He’s really good at that, isn’t He?) Paul saw the hard and holy graciousness of this path, as he continued to depend on God for strength.

Going into therapy and dealing with the pain has given me another opportunity to depend on the Lord for strength. When depression hits, God is gracious with His presence when I tell Him I can’t handle it. When shame tries to overwhelm me, God is loving in reminding me of my worth. I know and trust that God’s grace is sufficient for me, and for my healing.

As hard as it is, I’d much rather have this deep-rooted healing than continue to pretend like everything’s alright. I’ve done that for years, and I’m through. You can’t spray a dead, rotting tree with Miracle-Gro and expect everything to heal instantaneously. You have to take heavy machinery and remove the tree, roots and all, to deal with it. And you have to fill in the space with something healthy that brings life to the place where stench and rot used to have their throne.

If you are in the healing process yourself, I wish I could be there to give you a huge hug and tell you how loved you are. But for now (especially with COVID), know that I’m rooting for you — and, more importantly, so is the God of the universe. He is with you every step of the way, and I truly believe that he will replace the rot with a deep peace, even joy. Keep pulling up the roots, friend. He’s bringing life and restoration in this hard and holy process.